digital pen, digital paper.

Pick of the Litter

Upon entering the room containing the litter of similar looking black fuzzy things, he’s the one that distinguished himself by excitedly jumping sideways into a wall and falling on his back. I pointed, and said something like, “Give me the flailing retard.”

-atomatic

digital pen, digital paper.

More words per minute, less eraser dust.

Mental Tennis, Session Two: Search Your Feelings

Me: Welcome back. How are you feeling this week?

Me: Sad.

Me: Oh? Why is that?

Me: I sort of have this thing for a girl I know. Well, I guess I don’t really know her. It’s the girl at Publix.

Me: Do you want to start from the beginning? Pretend like I don’t know the backstory.

Me: Um, yeah. Sure. It might have been a year ago that I went into Publix with my friend Erin. That was the first time I saw her. She was working the register and looked up at me to say hello. Our eyes met… and it was instant attraction. And I could tell that we both felt the connection. And then I left.

Me: What do you mean, you left?

Me: I mean we bought what we came for and walked out of the store. I didn’t have the nerve to talk to her or ask her out. Which is pretty standard for me, really. My friends have been known to get angry with me for not saying anything to the pretty girls I meet.

Me: Okay, so she had to have been more than just a another pretty face. There are a lot of those in the world, so what was special about this one.

Me: What I felt when our eyes locked was indescribably amazing. Everything around us, sight and sound, just blurred away until all that was left were her big brown eyes and the slightest of smiles.

Me: Pirate smile?

Me: Funny. No. Anyway, I saw her a number of times after that. Never planned. And I could never say more than Hi. How are you? I wanted to. I desparately wanted to. But everytime I saw her, my heart beat through my ears and my tongue swelled, unable to speak. I could barely function around her. I would forget that I had to pay for the items I was buying, or hand her the credit card instead of swiping it through the reader. Sweat evaporated into steam off my face. I’m sure I looked like such a fool.

Me: And what about her?

Me: Her? She always had it together. Like she was just casually waiting for me to ask her out. Until I finally did.

Me: Good for you!

Me: No, not really. I guess saying that I asked her out would be a bit of an exaggeration. I more hinted to the fact that I should have already asked for her number. I said some other stupid things after that, too. About always smiling at each other. It was really pathetic. And then she told me she wouldn’t give her number out to someone she didn’t know.

But then I finally had a good line! I told her I would have to keep coming back so she could get to know me better. At least, I think it was a good line. But I was so embarassed by everything else I said, I started to avoid that Pubix. I was afraid to see her again.

Me: You could have gone back. I’m sure it wasn’t really all that bad.

Me: Perhaps, but I had convinced myself it was. For the next few months, I thought of her, but never saw her. I wouldn’t let myself go. I didn’t have a clue of what I could say to her. I went over it so many times in my head. Things I could have said. Things I should have said. Things I could say if I would just get back in there and say Hello.

And I eventually did, but Hello was all I said. It was just like before when I forgot how to form words and speak. Hi. How are you? That was all.

Me: Okay, this story is longer than expected. Let’s jump ahead a little.

Me: Well, a number of weeks back, on the Monday of Memorial Day, I finally talked to her and didn’t screw things up. Someone helped to give me confidence and it worked. I mentioned working on holidays, she asked what I did, I told her and commented how my job is with the family business. It was short, but decent conversation. And then I left.

Me: Okay, seriously? That was probably your best opportunity…

Me: I know! C’mon, this is suppose to be therapy, not me getting down on myself.

Me: Sorry. Well, it wasn’t your only opportunity to ask her out. So it’s really no big deal. Did you talk to her again after that?

Me: Yeah. I did. That is why I am kind of sad. I am tearing myself up inside because I talked to her again, but this time was not as good as last time, and I still didn’t ask her out. Instead I talked about my Lasik surgery. And I was nervous as hell. My voice was shaky. I stared to lean on the counter for support. I could tell she wasn’t interested in what I was saying. I had no confidence in what I was doing.

Me: But you did talk to her. That is something. Progress. You are building up to asking her out and that is okay. You need to keep doing that. Talk to whoever it was that gave you confidence last time. It seemed to do the trick, so try it again. Get in there and talk to her again, and when it feels right, ask her out.

Me: *Nod*

Me: You have a plan for what you will say to ask her out?

Me: I am going to close with something about how it is difficult to get to know someone through only a two minute conversation every few weeks and how we should go out.

Me: Not bad. Be careful of how you say it, of course, but I think if it comes off well, it will work. In fact, I’m sure of it. If she weren’t interested, she wouldn’t be as friendly to you, right?

Me: Yeah. I guess.

Me: Okay, I think that is all the time we have for this session. Work on what we’ve discussed here. I want to hear good things for next session.

Mental Tennis, Session One: Service.

Me: I feel like I need therapy.

Me: Like a shrink? That shit is expensive. I’m not sure you can afford it. Also, you are too lazy to make it happen. Why not self-treat? No cost, easier time commitment, and you are just crazy enough to dialogue yourself into really believing there is another person, just as smart as you, helping to analyzing your life and giving you guidance and support with your many issues.

Me: You know, that is not a bad idea. I would never have to ask the question Do you know what I mean? after trying to explain the way I think and feel.

Me: Also, it would make for an interesting collection of Tumblr posts.

Me: I should have seen that coming. No, really. I am basically talking to myself here. I should have seen it coming.

Me: Whatever. It’s still a good idea. It will be therapeutic and you will get a chance to get some thoughts on paper. Digital paper.

Me: What was that, a plug? It wasn’t very good. It needed to say Digital pen, digital paper. Dot com.

Me: I see you feel the need to correct me. Is that something you do often? Do you often feel the need to correct those around you? Why do you suppose that is?

Me: Wait. Did we just start our first session?

Me: I think we just ended our introductory session. Perhaps we can save the Correction issue for next time.