June 2009
14 posts
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Facts About Jon, Number 65
Though hypocritical, Jon dislikes people who argue semantics.
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Mental Tennis, Session Two: Search Your Feelings
Me: Welcome back. How are you feeling this week?
Me: Sad.
Me: Oh? Why is that?
Me: I sort of have this thing for a girl I know. Well, I guess I don’t really know her. It’s the girl at Publix.
Me: Do you want to start from the beginning? Pretend like I don’t know the backstory.
Me: Um, yeah. Sure. It might have been a year ago that I went into Publix with my friend Erin. That...
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Consumerism is a drug.
During my college days, my roommates and I would always joke about the way we lived. The college lifestyle that we led lent itself to the eventual destruction of all but our most personal affections. Following each folly, which typically involved alcohol, we would survey the damage and quote the following.
This is why we can’t have nice things!
Those days have passed and I am now compelled...
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Facts About Jon, Number 64
As final action before crawling into bed, Jon routinely locks his bedroom door. Even when he lives alone.
It is a habit turned compulsion. If the door is not locked, Jon has difficulty sleeping.
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Mental Tennis, Session One: Service.
Me: I feel like I need therapy.
Me: Like a shrink? That shit is expensive. I’m not sure you can afford it. Also, you are too lazy to make it happen. Why not self-treat? No cost, easier time commitment, and you are just crazy enough to dialogue yourself into really believing there is another person, just as smart as you, helping to analyzing your life and giving you guidance and support with...
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“Unicorn sex really freaks me out.”
– Pete
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“White power is good.”
– Pete
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Me: Thumbing through the Yellow Pages, listed between Bee And Wasp Removal and Beekeeper, I find Beef Jerky!
My Brother: Beef Jerky needs their own section because the Southeast Jerky Association is based in Orlando. Vance Jerkington, President.
My Brother:
Memo.
To: All Hurky-Jerky Employees
From: Vance Jerkington, CEO.
While the past 37 years have been wonderful here at Hurky-Jerky, I have made the decision to take a position in sales at Cock-a-Dude-L-Deux, the first store in North America to sell chicken, surf boards, and French language textbooks.
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I have to wake up early for work, but the idea of having to be up before 6am makes me sad and angry. My solution is to set my alarm for 6:02am and adjust the time, on that clock only, so that it runs 8 or 9 minutes fast.
Then, I hit snooze once or twice to give myself a feeling of control over my work-day schedule. I’ll get there when I want to get there! (As long as it’s before...
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