December 2010
1 post
2 tags
My breath fogs the helmet a bit. I speak then...
I am an astronaut and I am drifting in space.
At least, I think I’m drifting. I can see the Earth, but its size is not changing. I can watch its rotation from where I am, but do not seem to be getting any closer nor further from it. I just sit here in space. No communications, but my life support system is at one-hundred percent. I have been out here for quite some time. A lifetime it feels. And...
October 2010
3 posts
2 tags
8 Rules for Writing a Short Story.
Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
Every sentence must do one of two things—reveal character or advance the action.
Start as close to the end as possible.
Be a Sadist. No matter how sweet and...
2 tags
1 tag
September 2010
3 posts
1 tag
Sour apples. Tasty experiment.
[Via an email to friends, edited and updated.]
I may have mentioned the crazy lady that I recently finished a house for. She is ridiculously germaphobic, obsessive compulsive to a fair extent, and certainly has an anxiety disorder. She spent hours wandering the jobsite making my life hell for the last four or so months of the project. By hours, I mean anywhere from three to five hours per...
1 tag
Search for the unsigned.
Sadly, both Blognonymous.com and Inblognito.com are already taken.
2 tags
August 2010
1 post
“Epic Powers: Ultimate Smooch and Bear-hug Extreme.”
July 2010
2 posts
1 tag
“I can’t remember the first time I came across Max because, like any good...”
– Susannah Breslin
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February 2010
1 post
1 tag
Home Movies That Take Your Breath Away
An old friend, one I have not seen nor spoken with in 17 years, just sent me an email. I am not one who enjoys small talk or catching up with people’s lives through direct questioning (So, what have you been up to?), so I was pleased to find he was only indulging me in a bit of nostalgia.
Quite simply, and as informally as if we had just spoken some days before, he asked, “remember...
January 2010
2 posts
1 tag
“Colder than a well digger’s ass.”
– Ed, 65-year old loader driver.
2 tags
“It’s like expecting a duck to bark.”
– DP
December 2009
2 posts
2 tags
“When the weight of the world has got you...
1 tag
“Don’t forget to look for Jesus!”
– Jenn
November 2009
14 posts
2 tags
1 tag
Untethered.
I went with a few friends to Sea World this past Friday. Several of us went there roughly six months ago, and the tickets we purchased at the time were upgraded to Seasonal, good through the end of the year, for only an additional four dollars. This trip last Friday cost us nothing to get in, but for fourteen dollars, we purchased Sea World’s version of the “fast pass” which...
1 tag
“How big is it? Got a pic?”
– Dan
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“Just tight enough to get it off.”
– Chelsea
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“You’re already pulling it out.”
– Marcela
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“Balls on the face are amazing.”
– Marcela
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Ed, 65-year old loader driver, regarding Amura...
Ed: It was like a meat locker in there.
Me: It was cold?
Ed: No, the women!
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“Balls on the face are amazing!”
– Marcela
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“I don’t know what to do. There’s too much taco.”
– Lawson
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“That’s a lot of beef.”
– Lawson
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“How long has it been since you touched it?”
– Me
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“Do not put that thing in my mouth again. It was disgusting!”
– Overheard at Disney
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“Who’s playing with your cornhole?”
– Erin
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via copycats:
Gangster Story by Calibro 35...
October 2009
7 posts
1 tag
“I’m happy you’re almost here. Emmi’s purr box will explode for...”
– Lauren
1 tag
“I’ll finger. You strum.”
– Eric
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“You’re what the cat’s covered up.”
– Ed, 65-year old loader driver.
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“Fuckin’-A twinkie.”
– Ed, 65-year old loader driver.
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“Poor girl. She was 8 before she was 7.
[She was ate before she was seven.]”
– Regarding Britney Spears. Ed, 65-year old loader driver.
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“I haven’t had this much fun since Ma got her tit stuck in the ringer.”
– Ed, 65-year old loader driver.
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“I didn’t squeeze it.”
– Eric
September 2009
8 posts
1 tag
Facts About Jon, Number 67
With the exception of only a select few friends, Jon avoids any social situation involving only one other individual. He prefers socializing in small groups to remove the fear of possible awkward silences during conversation.
1 tag
“If it smells like fish, get a dish. If it smells like cologne, leave it alone.”
– Regarding sushi. Ed, 65-year old loader driver.
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“Happy as a sissy on a troop train.”
– Ed, 65-year old loader driver.
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“Can’t make a silk purse from a sow’s ear.”
– Ed, 65-year old loader driver.
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“As hard as a minister’s dick.”
– Ed, 65-year old loader driver.
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“Do you want to be on top or bottom?”
– Josh to his brother Jake
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“Ever blow a dandelion?”
– Hack
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“I always feel like a little girl.”
– Jimmy
August 2009
8 posts
2 tags
Pick of the Litter
Upon entering the room containing the litter of similar looking black fuzzy things, he’s the one that distinguished himself by excitedly jumping sideways into a wall and falling on his back. I pointed, and said something like, “Give me the flailing retard.”
-atomatic
2 tags
digital pen, digital paper.
More words per minute, less eraser dust.
1 tag
Everybody Here Is A Cloud by Cloud Cult
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“I’m trying to hit him in the sweet spot.”
– Tyler
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“This is horrible with the left hand. It’s like a stranger.”
– Eric
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“Let me know when I can get in and take a look at that crack of yours.”
– Me